Strange dreams this week

These dreams are keeping me up. I have one and when it's done I wake up, like the show is over or something.

They are all sort of sad tales. Variations on my life that might have been had I made a choice other than the one I did at the time.

Some sort of mental self-judgement is afoot.

So yesterday I found out why my mother had a stroke.

It's stress basically. That's the short answer. Short answers never truely cover everything in life though.

So she got arrested. Felony possession, grade 4. It was only a matter of time I guess.

She was one year from retiring from working at the Department of Corrections. She got fired (being an addict while working at a prison is a big no-no apparently). Lost her retirement benefits.

sigh.

I was going to take the family up to see her for Thanksgiving, but I don't think that's going to happen now.

So what is this for?

Is this just a mental mastrubation site? Notice there isn't a single comment about politics. I guess that's because I get really frustrated and angry thinking about politics at this point.

We've lost the heart of what makes the United States great. Being in the US at this point is like being in Rome during the slow plunge into the history books.

I guess this will turn more in to a blog about me rather than my views on the world.

Maybe a silly documentary or archeological dig in to my mind, something for the grand kids to go through after I'm dead and gone. Who knows. Maybe no one will read it. Maybe I'll get alzheimers and read it every day to find out who I am.

My mother had a stroke

So my mother had a stroke the other day. And probably a heart attack as well.

I didn't go up to see her, stayed with my family and kids. I feel kind of guilty about that, but I also can't stand my mother. The more she wants to be around me or the kids, the harder it is to tolerate her.

She smokes, she behaves like an attention starved puppy.

Wife and I are doing better now. I'm on Wellbutrin now. It seems to help a lot with mood stuff. I'm pretty happy with it overall. Less thoughts of suicide and depression for sure. That is sort of what started me being on Wellbutrin. It's complicated.

Speaking of a puppy, I've had the urge lately to get a puppy, or a young dog that will play with the kids some.

Strange Memories on Vacation

I was woken up this morning (at Panama City Beach on vacation) by a diaper emergency. Basically there was crap everywhere. Not on my top ten list of ways to be woken up in the morning.

I've been thinking a lot while on vacation, I guess thats partially the point. Get you away from your normal humdrum life and let you unwind a bit. Or maybe its being so close to the ocean. I think being close to something so big sort of makes you put things into perspective a little. Or maybe not perspective as much as cause some introspection.

Do you ever get that feeling that you don't really belong somewhere? That you don't fit in, what you are doing is a charade? Thats basically how I feel about this entire world. I know, it sounds melodramatic. But its true, really. This sort of strange alienation.

I've been out of sorts lately. My internal clock is off. Vacation followed by a seven hour drive and then flying to Scottsdale the next morning for a week is messing with my mind.

I'm in a mobile mindset. Day dreaming about jobs in other cities or countries. Learning new languages and heading out of the country.



It'd be nice to get out of this country.



Bush brought up Vietnam today in his speach.

I'm typing this on my work laptop

It's late (for me anyway), 9 PM. I've been trying to get to bed early since in theory I'm supposed to be at work by 7 AM. I think I've been on time something like 5 times this year.

I really try, I really do, honestly. I hate being late. Things just always seem to distract me in the mornings. A long shower, the news, something, it just never happens that I'm ready to go on time anymore.

I've had a host of medical issues crop up in the last year or so. The latest is that I've been having a battle with cluster headaches. Boy let me tell you, really nothing like being hit in the temple by a hammer every 5-10 minutes for a bit. It's awful. Not like a migraine really, no nasuea, just searing blinding pain that brings tears to your eyes.

So I've got emergency injectors of anti-headache medicine handy, and I'm keeping doped up on lortab to keep more of the feelings at bay.

I'm trying this with my work laptop while it's in my actual lap. I wonder how many sperm have died in the production of the blog post? Eh, fry all ya want, I'll make more.

Hm, doesn't quite come out the same way as the chip commercials. Oh well. At least I get an A for effort.

So I've totally lost my interest in playing WoW since i was suspended (still don't know why). I loathe arbitrary punishments, which is why I can't stand IRC rooms and overly-moderated message boards. I'm not certain I'll play again with any interest (or have any fun) until this whole thing is explained to me in something other than a vague form letter.

Work has been hell this week and it's going to get progressively worse throughout the rest of this year.

I'm obstensibly in charge of integrating a sister company into our IT infrastructure by end of year. Something like 400 users. Its a huge political bout that I have nothing to do with, I'm just there to make sure we don't screw up on the tech side of the house.

In addition I'm rolling out MOM 2007 to the environment (to monitor something like 800 servers I guess) and also we're upgrading Enterprise Vault version 5.14 to version 6, so we can then service pack 2 the host OS and then do an upgrade from version 6 to 7 of the entire Enterprise Vault suite.

All by end of year. Oh yeah, we're also doing a full blown disaster recovery test of all our messaging infrastructure before the end of September. And yesterday I had a new software deployment land in my lap that needs to be done asap.

All priority codes are ASAP where I work. Its sort of funny because managers never say something isn't important, there is just this mental strata of ASAP projects that get piled up and then occasionally one of them will be yanked to the surface by one of my many managers and make more ASAP than the rest.

Its teh awsome

So what's the point with this anyway?

I originally started this thing off as a way to vent, that I'm clearly doing. But I also thought I had something to say about the political atmosphere in our country right now. In the world even. But when I go to write about it, it seems somehow futile. I can't really get the motiviation to type out my thoughts on the subject because it's so damn depressing.

I wonder how the rest of America really feels. When they aren't distracted with the high gas price panic (oh noes! It's going to cost me another dollar to drive around for the week!) or the latest Brittany Hilton Lohan crisis or whatever. I must imagine Americans seem awfully shallow people by the rest of the world. I'd say on average that's pretty much spot on.

It seems there isn't really a voice of discontent in the US right now, it's more of a pathetic whimper voiced in the wrong direction.

So anyway, if there isn't going to be a wealth of sharp witted social and political commentary on this site, whats the point exactly? Is this in fact nothing more than a bit mental wank-fest for yours truely? Yeah, probably so. I guess its therapy after a fashion.